The Last 10: “Worth It”?
I can’t decide if I want to laugh or cry when I realize that I am, almost to the pound, the same weight that I was one year ago this week. In that year, my weight bottomed out in February, but in the last few months something has happened and, as many of you know, I have ventured back up by about 10 lbs.
I was listening to an old Jillian Michaels podcast the other day where she addressed a question about whether or not weight loss is “worth it.” Her answer was a resounding yes. And I agree. If you are really overweight, finally getting to a healthy weight and the feelings of success, energy, and joy after achieving that is definitely “worth it.”
In the photo below taken last year, I had finally reached a healthy weight, and yes, it was WORTH IT! But it’s the last ten-or-so “vanity pounds,” however, that I am really not sure about. Elina did a great post on this last month and asked, “Is it worth it fighting so hard to ‘get there’?”
September 12, 2008
Looking at the photo above, that could be me today (besides the hair). Let me clarify: physically, this could be me today. But mentally, I was in an entirely different place. Last year, mentally, I felt like dynamite, because I was losing weight every week, every day, and I knew it. Today, mentally, I feel like a bit of a failure, having lost weight and re-gained a chunk of it back.
So now I find myself asking, is it worth it? Is it worth re-tracing my steps, to be “skinny by Christmas”? That was my goal last year. To be “skinny by Christmas.” I can’t find it right now, but there was a post leading up to that trip home for the holidays when I expressed how worried I was about what everyone would say about my body and if they would notice my weight loss. It really messed with my head for months. I wanted them to know how happy I was and I thought getting really skinny would reflect that.
Of course, this is completely flawed thinking for many reasons, the main one being that other people should not have been the motivation behind my weight loss. I later found out, anyway, that many people thought I was much too thin and that I must have certainly been unhappy to get that way. How ironic. Literally, I couldn’t win for losing!
"Skinny by Christmas" 2008
This was last Christmas Eve. I was trying on a new outfit (note the tag on the pants!) and I felt pretty good. We had just come back from Hawaii and we were spending the day with my dad’s side of the family. This photo wasn’t quite taken at my lowest weight, but it’s pretty close. I think I lost another four or five pounds after that Christmas out of spite, because one of my aunts had remarked, “It’s ok Lara, we know you’re going to gain it back.” Gotta love it when people are not afraid to be blunt.
But back to whether or not losing the vanity pounds was “worth it”:
The thing to think about with this is actually pondering a question that my best friend asked me when I first saw her after many months apart: “Now that you’re at this weight, are you as happy as you always thought you would be?”
I didn’t know how to answer that at the time, and I still struggle now.
I think the answer is: Yes, I was happy. I was happy when the scale read 1X0.0. And when it went to 1X1? Or, heaven forbid, 1X5? I was miserable. I was miserable because I felt like I failed and that I was proving everyone right. This is why I sometimes say, I’ve never had an eating or body image disorder, but I have definitely had some disordered thoughts and behavior about eating and my body.
But for the most part, yeah, I was happy, with my weight. I was still unhappy when my bank balance got low, or when I was stuck in traffic, or when someone said something hurtful to me. Being that much thinner doesn’t make life’s other annoyances go away. No one tells you that part.
Yet I won’t lie. It did make going shopping more fun. It made getting dressed easy. It made looking in the mirror a relief.
It was also a lot of effort. Exhausting, even. I have always said, I don’t think anyone is “naturally thin.” I think that certain people have naturally thin habits. But for me? It’s work. Everyday. So, while I was happy with my body, I don’t have that many pictures documenting it because I was often too tired to get dolled up for photos. While I was happy with my body, I think that struggle for perfection planted the seed for the bingeing I have fought this year.
Is it worth it? I haven’t figured that out yet. I am reminded of something I once heard Cher say in an interview when asked whether life really is better with fame and fortune, and it stuck with me (this is paraphrased):
I’ve been rich, and I’ve been poor. Rich was better. I’ve been young, and I’ve been old. Young was better. And I’ve been thin, and I’ve been fat. Thin was better.
Call me shallow but I see a lot of truth in that. Sure, it doesn’t make life perfect, but it makes many aspects more pleasant when you feel good about yourself.
I don’t know if I’ll be “skinny by Christmas” this year. These days it’s looking more like “sane by Christmas”. Maybe skinny will follow when I finally get that part together.
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Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to read this and responding so genuinely!
Lara: I suppose you are right, that was not “just” in the healthy range, but definitely just around the time when I started to realize it and feel healthy.
I don’t have anything witty to say–it’s too early in the morning–but I loved reading this post. My thought s have been similar lately after gaining a couple of mandated pounds. I may have worked hard to be at a “healthier” weight, but I still have a lot of work to do on my psyche! Good luck my dear. xoxo
Great post hun. For me – it’s not worth it. Sure, I feel great when I’m that low, with the rush of being low. But It always creeps back up and that’s when I feel the worst. So to prevent myself from feeling thw worst, I have let go of losing the last 10 lbs and start enjoying life right now. Whatever you do, you’ll still have to come to terms with your body, yourself. With what you have to do do to maintain it in that shape. I came to realize that i was in fact procrastinating self-acceptance, by losing & gaining – in doing either, I was not “myself” and thus never really had to accept me at that place.
I have also found that the high I get from the low weight is quite easily replaced with finding a new goal (like with running) to work towards & achieve. So I wonder for you: do you really want to be that weight for the weight it is, or for the positive feelings you’ll get from it? And whether maybe the fact that now you’re feeling a little low about yourweight, is making the low-weight-high seem even more attractive and a solution to your “misery” (not that you’re miserable, but you know what i mean).
Also, I think there are a lot of things going on in your life that are life0changing: mainly the prospect of moving back home. Those types of events make it very hard to think straight and turning towards food-control is quite normal, if it has been a coping mechanism before.
Lovies!
I was also thinking along the lines of what Ruby said above re: major life changes like you are dealing with now. Life changes/stressors can definitely make those of us who deal with disordered eating/body image issues etc really focus more and more on weight/body stuff. Whenever I find myself getting more caught up in it again if I take a step back I can almost always identify something going on in my life that is stressful (even a good stress like moving back home etc)
I also wanted to say thanks for posting this. It is very timely for myself as well and has been very thought provoking. On another blog yesterday someone who is the same height/build/body composition as me posted their weight and I was stunned because I look at her and think wow she looks wonderful yet her weight is a good deal more than where I am at now yet I see myself as so much bigger. Really shows me how distorted my view of myself is.
Wow you could not have written a more relevant post! I am going throught the.exact.same.thing. I lost weight for my wedding (through diet and exercie, nothing extreme) and felt fantastic. BUT it was a lot of work and more so a lot of sacrifice! To be honest now that I have gained around 8-10 pounds back, I definitely notice, but no one else does. Soooo is it worth it to sacrifice drinks with friends or that cookie a friend made just so I can see a certain number and “feel” good? I still don’t know!
If you figure it out let me know
Many people don’t think about it, but it goes the same way with being too thin (the boat I’m in). I want to gain X by this date or weight Y by this time…it’s a constant struggle.
With both of us, I think it’s important to think about how we feel and why a number makes us feel differently about ourselves and our efforts. If you never got on the scale, would you be satisfied? Do you feel healthy, and is your body able to function and perform in the ways you desire?
If so, you’re lucky, and those 10 lbs mean nothing more than a mental mountain. If you feel good physically, why let a number take that power from you and make you mentally unhappy? I am working towards health, not a number, and wish you luck with your own battle!
I love this post. I read it last night but didn’t have a comment worthy of your post! This may not be but here goes. First i’m SO with you. I’m up 10 pounds since May. MAY. I had lost 26… and it’s creeping back on me and I hate it. Do I think I look bad? No. But I’m with you – I love losing, losing, losing and maintaining, as I knew it would be, is just a different beast. No one notices, but I do, and part of me feels like a failure.
I just don’t know why it is so much harder to stay there then it was to get there. Grrrr. I’m happy now, but do feel that I was happier (with how i looked) when I had less pounds on me.
hey girly I know this may not make a big difference because I know sometimes it doesn’t matter what other people say because we think what we’re gonna think, regardless. BUT I think you look absolutely GORGEOUS
so skinny or not by Christmas I hope you enjoy a big honkin piece of apple pie 
because Lord knows I will haha
i love this post. i love your honesty. many days, i try wonder if losing 5 more pounds would be worth it. yes, maybe i might feel a little better but at the weight i am now, i can eat healthy, allow for splurges, still live life to the fullest and not let it consume me. so i guess for me…no losing the last 5 isn’t worth it. i think it takes time though. if you had asked me a year ago if i thought that, i probably would have said no. our thoughts and actions are constantly evolving with what is best for ourselves at that time – who knows? you may think somehow completely different in a year. that’s the beauty of life – you don’t know where it will take you
Wonderful and insightful post Lara. The whole time I was reading, I was nodding my head in agreement.
Yes, I love seeing the lower numbers. I love it when my Joe’s jeans are slightly loose rather than slightly tight. I love buying smaller sizes. I love seeing my thinner arms in the mirror at the gym, etc.
It’s hard work for me as well – too hard at times. I was raised with zero thin habits, and at times, I’m very hard on myself. I like your get sane first plan…something I need to work on as well.
Are the extra vanity pounds worth it? I don’t know if I’ll ever truly know the answer as it’s a constant battle between my heart, head, and belly.
Fabulous post, and something I am going through myself right now.
Absolutely agree with everything you said! I’m currently a few pounds above my lowest weaight and want to get back down there – yet I’m still within my healthy weight/BMI range and so its very hard to lose more weight – and very hard to feel motivated enough to do it in a healthy way. I find I’m either obsessing over every mouthful or binging till I feel disgusting and out of control… If you manage to find that happy healthy medium, I hope you’ll share it with the rest of us – I’m still looking!
I love, raw and honest posts! I can relate to everything that you wrote, it is soo amazing to know that other people have the same thoughts and ideas that I do. You are a lovely girl and I know you will figure out what is best for you
! Stay happy!!
The way I try to think about myself is – I look good, I feel great, I love food, and am short on time . . . this is as good as it’s going to get and I’m fine with it. So if you feel great – do what you want to do to keep feeling great.
I have to echo almost exactly what Heather said above.
Those last 10 are hard for everyone, all the time. When you have less to lose, it takes harder work. But I sometimes feel like with me, that last 10 is never gone. Yes, I’m happy where I am, but I think just going through the process of losing and reaching your goal and then gaining again and having to go through that…it just does something to my thinking that I don’t understand.
Thanks for the post
I agree with you. I think as long as you’re within a healthy range there is nothing wrong with setting a 10 lb goal. And reaching your goals is ALWAYS worth it!
You know, I just started reading this blog and was touched and motivated by your honesty of your earlier posts. However, am I the only one that looks at that picture of you from last year and wonder where another 10 pounds would come from? You look really thin, and it’s a little worrisome that at that size you were still hoping to be “skinny” by christmas. It’s mind boggling that you didn’t see yourself as skinny already.
The only thing you need to lose now is low self esteem and doubts about your body image – you are beautiful and down-to-earth and I hope you can one day look in the mirror and see what everyone else sees!
You write the most amazing posts Lara! Lately I’ve been thinking about my habits too.. I’m at my lowest weight but it seems like it’s such a hassel to stay that way. I guess I need to just find my “happy weight!”
This is a really thought provoking post. It’s interesting, I’m glad you mused about it. I don’t know how I feel about if it’s worth it or not (for me). You look beautiful though, seriously. It’s nice to have an outsider perspective, and I assure you the ten pounds aren’t noticed.
The last 10 are so, so hard – I will definitely agree with you there. I often wonder myself if keeping off these last few lbs is worth it – would I be happier otherwise? I’m not sure. But something I always think about it.
For whatever it’s worth – in all the pictures you posted, you look absolutely phenomenal.
Why must you lose 10 BY Christmas. INstead of looking at it as short term diet. Look at it from the rest of your life. Why lose 10 by Christmas when you could be thin, fit the rest of your life. Make a healthy eating guide for yourself you can stick with not till Christmas but for the rest of your life.it doesnt have to be ‘work’ it shouldnt be whatsoever. you only live once.
Whitney: As I wrote in the post, the “lose by Christmas” was my mentality LAST year, and one that I have re-evaluated this year after deciding that it wasn’t a good mindset. The question I am now asking myself is if I want to lose any more at all or just stay where I am.
I couldn’t agree more with your thoughts althought it is exhausting to always be monitoring calories and intake. I’ve found that once i started losing weight, it turned into a spiral that I couldnt and didn’t want to stop. Now that i’m back at a healthy weight, i still have weight thoughts and worries, but i’m so much more content with living!
Definitely WORTH it to hit that *magic* number in my opinion… i’m *almost* to my goal weight of 130, but am thinking i’d like to actually hit 125.. and I will bust my @ss to get there. I know you’re tall/thin, and for me, I think it suits my body type too… so you have to do what is right for you. I get a lot of people telling me i’m already too thin, thin enough, etc.. but in the end, it’s MY body. Right?
worth it? hmmm. well, i agree with everyone in saying you look really fabulous, and honestly, i dont see any weight you have to lose. that said, i really want to lose 5-10 lbs and am constantly hearing people telling me that i don’t need to, and that i look great. as nice as that might be to hear, i know that i’ve gained weight, and i don’t like not having my clothes fit the same way. i dont like FEELING that extra weight, you know? that said, i dont think it’s worth the struggle necessarily. i dont think it’s worth heavy dieting, or denying yourself all the time. i know i could probably lose 5 lbs if i did weight watchers for two months but realistically, i like ice cream and wine and whenever i’ve dieted in the past, i’ve found myself freaking out over menus or saying no to parties and friends because i didnt know what/if i could eat. i DONT want to be that way anymore…even though i am determined to lose the weight i’ve gained, i’ve also accepted that it might be a slower, more natural process. it’s definitely a challenge at times but i would also think what about that number makes it your magic number. for me, i think in the rule of 5’s (5 pounds for every inch over 5 feet) and that’s my magic number. why?? ummm i dont know! but i do know i have always felt strong and happy and skinny but curvy at that number, and that currently i am NOT there. sometimes though, you have to think if your number is realistic. if i can only get to that number by cutting calories every day and never indulging…well, i guess that wont be my happy number anymore and im going to have to accept that
You’re gorgeous!
I know what you mean–after you lose a significant amount of weight it’s hard to not see the numbers keep going down and it’s even harder to see them go up.
I had just dropped about 20 pounds when I decided to quit smoking and of course I gained about 10 pounds afterwards with the constant snacking to keep my mind away from cigarettes. I’m still kinda of working on that and I need to find my “happy weight.”
Plagiarism alert- hope you forgive me for TOTALLY stealing the topic of this post- what is the saying- imitation is the most sincere form of flattery?!
Tomorrow it posts. Loved this post and surprised I never commented- I thought I had- hmm?
Well, we are of such similar minds I think- still trying, yet still wondering is it worth it. So glad I re-read this today. Thank you Thinny. And PS you look amazing whether or not you “feel” skinny or not.
OK I’m a dork. I DID comment way back then