Getting Real.
Hi.
Sorry I went completely MIA. I was originally going to say that you guys probably don’t want to see any more photos of juice, and that is true, but it is also true that I am going through a tough time with finding balance right now. I really think that weight loss messes with your head, and that weight maintenance is the hardest thing in the world. I always feel like I am either going up or going down.
I have been afraid to discuss this on the blog because there is a huge movement right now to love and accept ourselves for who we are. I think that is truly wonderful, in theory, but for me it is a lot easier said than done. I also don’t think there is anything wrong with saying something like “I’ve gained about 10 lbs. I want to lose some.”
So that is what I am saying. No, it does not make me anorexic. It does not make me a disordered eater. It makes me very human. So why haven’t I said it?
For a while now I have not known what I really wanted to “do” with the blog. I have had modest success with it, but I do feel that because of its name, because of my honesty with my desire to be healthy and thin, and the discussions I have about that, that perhaps I have isolated a lot of readers. There are many wonderful, healthy-living blogs out there who make weight maintenance look easy. Well, for me, it’s not. It probably never will be. And I want to talk about it. I do not find healthy living to be a breeze, and I think that can make some people uncomfortable. The truth is, I like many healthy foods. I also like many unhealthy foods. The common denominator here being food. You see the potential problems.
I have been inspired by my friend Michelle, who blogs at No Time to Weight. She talks unabashedly about wanting to maintain her ideal weight, and her successes and struggles with the process. She never pretends it’s easier than it is, and she never pretends that her weight is not important to her.
I think in the recent past I have attempted to conform and pretend that I have figured it all out, and been a little hypocritical in this sense. I have alluded to just wanting to love myself, and about how health is all that matters. In reality I think that if many of us who say this suddenly gained 10 lbs (as I have), it would not be so easy to preach.
There is the unspoken expectation that we all maintain a healthy lifestyle without uttering a word about how difficult it can be. We have to maintain a slim figure while simultaneously claiming that we really “just want to be healthy.” I think this contradiction is present all over the place: in health magazines, in blogs, and in society in general. I used to say “Oh, I am just a foodie. I just love and appreciate food.” While that is true, I have food issues. I have emotional issues with food, and I am going to really put myself out there for backlash and say that anyone who reads or blogs about what they eat has (or has had), some sort of issue with it, as well.
This blog is about to get very, very honest. I completely understand if that means I will lose readers who are in ED recovery, or who just won’t be able to relate to my journey. But I have to remember why I started it.
To turn that page, I want to share my dinner last night. I know it must sound very odd, but this meal was a really healing thing for me.
Looks a little out of place, doesn’t it?
That is a pork loin, with WHITE rice, and a creamy mushroom sauce.
When my parents first got a divorce, this was one of the only meals my dad could make. It also happens to be delicious. We ate it all the time, and it is completely a comfort meal for me.
So how was this a healing experience? Well, for the past year or so, I have been trying to convince myself that I don’t need meals like this. That food is fuel, and no emotion should be tied to it. I listened to a podcast of Jillian the other day and she addressed this. She said we are completely fooling ourselves if we think we can truly make food just a source of fuel. (I think she also said to just take one or two bites of comfort foods, but I chose to ignore that part last night).
Instead, I came home and I made this dish. As I sautéed the mushrooms and onions, I literally started to tear up. I haven’t had this in so long. The smell made me think of my dad. I have definitely indulged in unhealthy foods in the past year, but only in foods that I believed wouldn’t trigger me into reverting back to my old habits. For example, I know I can eat a croissant and have it just be a croissant. I don’t want to eat two, and I feel pretty indifferent about the indulgence. But dishes like this are a different story.
Matthew was so happy that I made this. He remarked that I hadn’t made it for him since we first started dating. He recalled how happy I was to share this with him and how we both laughed at how simple and unsophisticated it was. It was unspoken, but we both recognized that a barrier was being broken in my making this for dinner.
I did not eat anything after dinner. Today, I am not fighting the urge to binge ever hour, as I have been for the last week. I feel content and satisfied. I know that I cannot eat this every night, but last night, I really believe that it was exactly what I needed.
I hope you will stick with me as I continue my journey to resolve my issues with food and my body. I will continue to try to be positive but I am not going to shy away from my struggles. I do understand if it makes you uncomfortable…it makes me pretty uncomfortable! I stand by my belief that health is not about a number on the scale, but right now I do not feel like my healthiest self. If it takes consuming pork chops alongside vegetable juice, darnit, I am going to get there!
No related posts.
Honest and YOU is the very best thing to be. Truth is, we ALL have problems and, yes, we all want to be thin and it’s a stinkin’ struggle sometimes! Thanks for the reminder to just be “me”, that what I want my blog to be … honest and me : )
Honestly, I think you are just being human when you get emotion like those. Painting a pretty picture is deceptive and that is really nice of you to share your true feelings!
Love your comfort meal!
Wow. Good for you! At times I wish I could have been more upfront with my readers about my struggles, and at times, more upfront with myself. I had sort of an epiphany tonight that leads me to believe that I have traveled through to the other side. That I understand what it is to eat food for hunger only, and to eat what I want. To not be consumed by what I am going to consume. To not care what someone tells me I need or should eat and to just feed myself. Is it a coincidence that this is coming at the same time I’m ending my blog. Funny enough, yes. But maybe that is just a very silver lining to that cloud.
I hope this is it for you too, hon.
Lara, I relate so well to your struggles and have read every single entry in your blog. After years of yo-yo’ing between underweight and overweight and a recent 70-lb. weight loss and 20-lb. regain, I have reconciled myself to the fact that I will always need rules, particularly about when and how much (even more than what) I can eat. For some reason, eating itself triggers me to eat, if that makes any sense. So I’m going back to what worked for me– a specific calorie goal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner with a raw fruit or veggie snack between lunch and dinner if needed. For weight loss the calorie goal will be a few hundred lower per day than on maintenance (e.g., 1800/day vs. 2200/day– I’m 5’9 and exercise daily). I love healthy food, but I regained 20 lbs. snacking on nut butters, whole grain breads & crackers, reduced fat cheese, fruit, and energy bars. I wish like hell that I could eat “intuitively” and grab a snack here and there whenever I’m hungry like “normal” people do. But unfortunately, if my diet isn’t fairly regimented, my intuition is to gain weight! I’m also very sensitive to sugars, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that certain foods lead to “hinge”-eating. So I need to limit those foods. I will always need to exercise some form of mindfulness (if not vigilance) over my eating, but I think that’s OK. It’s worth it to feel and look my best. And I’m realizing that the rules I need to follow, even if they contradict what’s popular (e.g., frequent meals), are a small burden considering how lucky I am to be in good health otherwise. Keep sharing with us, Lara– I believe you have an important purpose in the blogosphere. You’ve certainly helped keep me sane!
I’m glad you posted this. It’s all about balance and there is nothing wrong with an occasional indulgence in something that brings you a comforting memory or a happy thought
Hi there, I havent posted before but I have been reading your blog. Firstly Id just like to say I think its brilliant you are coming out and saying exactly how you feel, after all this is your space and so you should use it to write what you want to write and not what you think you should.
I dont feel you`ll lose any readers, infact I want to read your blog even more now. I like it when people are honest and upfront.
Theres nothing wrong with admitting you want to be slim, you can be slim and healthy at the same time.
Yes its nice to eat great wholesome foods all the time but sometimes somethings got to give, its ok to eat white rice and its ok to eat other foods as long as thats what you are really wanting to have.
Everyones pretty much said it all, I just wanted to let you know I think its brilliant your new turn on your blog etc, I`ll definately be following.
xox
Aw thanks girly!
Hey there is nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight, im in the same exact boat!
And i used to be very ED … and I think it is natural to want to lose some weight to feel healthy. Don’t worry.
-Muffy
I say do whatever you want. I think it’s very nice for people to accept their weight at whatever number and our bodies are beautiful…
but that’s just not for me. I have a small frame and have recently gain about 20 pounds and I hate the way I look. I need to lose about 40lbs now.
I’m sorry, but I am not happy with how I look, with how much clothes fit and how I feel. I will not accept my body at this weight because no matter what *I* am unhappy with myself. I don’t care how other people look at my weight, I just care about me. And I think that is JUST FINE.
I don’t want to be a size 00, I just want to find a happy weight and I think 40 pounds will get me to the right point.
If you’re doing it for yourself, then do it! I will still read this blog because I have the same feelings!
hey lara! i seriously love that you wrote this post. i lost about 15 pounds 4 years ago and proceeded to gain a lot of it back plus some (30 pounds) about 3 years ago. i’m currently back to my original starting weight before i lost any weight 4 years ago. i remember going through the same exact thing as you and not knowing how to handle it. i think it’s absolutely awesome that you are using your blog to talk about it. i really feel like if i had a space to do so it would have helped me a lot. i still currently struggle with some of the same issues, but am starting to learn how to treat my body to be healthy, rather to be skinny. and the the ironic thing is, my body is slowly dropping the weight.
my best suggestion is to not deprive yourself. have your favorite meals every once in awhile. i’ve noticed that it’s what helps me the most. i’m looking forward to hearing your experiences as i go through a similar thing. good luck and i hope this support network helps!
Lara, I feel like we’ve been having similar issues. I’ve gained 10 pounds back too, which puts me at a very healthy weight, and I’ve been okay with it in some ways. But I have a frequent struggle in my head. I was definitely more comfortable in my skin 10 lbs lighter…and I was in better shape overall.
I don’t know what to do with my blog either, and I definitely have food issues. Lately, I’ve been sort of separating my normal diet from my binging issues. I feel like the binging thing is separate and something I need to learn to deal with on it’s own.
Okay, this is getting long. Perhaps I’ll just email you! Feel free to email me if you ever need to as well.
I love your honesty! I wish all people were like this. I think honesty brings healing and support. I love the idea of your blog because being healthy is not easy. Those that say it is is probably lying. I know it’s not easy for me. I look forward to reading your blogs!
Good for you! You should be so proud of yourself for facing these issues and sharing them with others. So many people will say they have it all figured out and they really don’t. I work with many people who have eating disorders and food issues and they won’t even talk about it with their friends and family. What’s in the media is definitely not the real deal. Thanks for sharing such an honest post.
Lara, I totally missed you babe!! I completely understand where you are coming from. I am fighting the exact same battle right now as we “speak”. I am constantly in an up and down battle and lately it seems like more of an “up” battle. Balance with food is definitely the hardest obstacle I have ever encountered. I honestly would rather give birth all natural 100x’s over than struggle with this the rest of my life. I totally support anything you do with the blog. Remember its YOUR blog. Be honest and true to your self. If someone doesn’t like it then there are plenty of fakey, phony blogs out there for them to read
~Justine
I’m glad you posted this! Although I am pretty content with myself at the moment that doesn’t mean that I don’t still criticize my body or compare myself to others. As much as I’d like to not do those things.. we’re all human!
Such a wonderful post… love you girlie!
thanks for being so honest – it’s an issue i think everyone deals with, at different times in their lives. we just have to relearn what balance means right now – that also means figuring out how to come to terms with our body size right now – not forever, right now.
I love your honesty. I will definitely keep reading and look forward to hearing your journey and offering help if I can!
What a fantastic post. Thanks for being so honest and speaking out. I know what you mean. I’m athletic and certainly overweight, but it’s still tough to publicly talk about how I want to lose some weight. Good for you for standing up!
I’ve been struggling a bit myself lately Lara. You are so not alone my friend, and I will definitely be sticking with you.
PS – In regards to your last post, someone Googled “Sexy Butter” and arrived at my blog. That’s my favorite one so far.
im so glad you wrote this. your honesty is beautiful to read, and i am so glad you wrote this because lately ive been feeling uncomfortable with the way my eating and blogging has evolved. it wasnt until i read it here that i realized i feel the same way. i couldnt even put into words…im sending you an email.
Sounds very close to home and I admire you for writing “out loud” what a lot of us are struggling with. Eating just one piece of trigger – forbidden- food without resorting into a full-fled binge is tremendously difficult and I commend you for it.
Great post!!
I think it is important for us all to acknowledge that eating well and exercising is work!! And, that food isn’t all about hunger and fullness – it can be about taste, and comfort…and staying fit is hard. Well said!
Lara,
Thanks for reminding me that everyone struggles, and that most of us just don’t know it. Don’t get discouraged! We’re all behind each other – the best thing about the food blogging world, in my opinion. ^.^
you are very brave to come clean, and i thank you for that. it’s not easy to bare all that, as i can’t bring myself to face the truth. I am constantly reminded that i am not alone in this journey, at least you keep at blogging, i can hardly maintain mine, nor have the courage to let anyone know more about me.
so thank you again for being there, in reminding me to not give up and i’m behind you all the way, as i work through mine too!
I appreciate your honesty. I agree. If I gained 10 lbs. I would not be a happy blogger. It is hard.
Good luck.
You know what, I don’t find healthy living to be a breeze either. And I also love you and your blog for the moments like this when you share your heart. I’ve been dealing with my own weight gain issues and have not been happy with my weight or myself at all. I’m trying not to stress about it and just take one day at a time but it can be tough sometimes. Yes, I think we as women can be to hard on ourselves about our weight/bodies. But I also believe that there’s nothing wrong with getting to and staying at a healthy weight either. Anyway, I’m rambling now cause I’m tired. You and your blog are both awesome so keep up the good work. You obviously have a ton of dedicated readers!!
Lara, this post is absolutely wonderful. I’ve been struggling with the same issues, as you know, and it’s so hard to find that line between eating what you truly want and going overboard. Your dinner sounds perfect. You wanted it – it satisfied you mentally and physically. Food is not just fuel and we do need to indulge. I’ve gained some weight lately too. It’s not to a point where my clothes don’t fit but I am constantly scared that it may get there if I continue “letting go.” Good luck! You will get there, I know. I will too. It just takes time.
Kudos to you for being so honest and open.
I do think accepting ourselves as we are is vitally important – but you’re right when you say it becomes much more difficult when a change is thrust upon us. Some will say 10 pounds isn’t a lot – but it’s change. And change will effect how we feel, mentally and physically. People might not notice a few extra pounds – but it can truly make you uncomfortable. I know this – been there, done that. My weight will at times be low, but other times it will be up – and I am not happy when it is.
I’ve always had issues with food – I was about 200 pounds at one point. Obviously something was going on! And even though I have slimmed down, I still struggle to keep fit and I still struggle over my eating. I won’t ever say I am perfect or that I have found the answer – I don’t think there is one. You just have to keep growing, and learning and trying. I think it’s pretty universal to have ups and downs – some to a greater extreme.
Anyways, I wish the very best, no matter what direction you go in.
And also, I think it’s great to remember that no one plan fits everybody. Maybe someday can do the food is only fuel thing – but we aren’t all the same. People struggle with different things. Food is not an issue for some – but it is for others. For me, food is a huge emotional thing at times. I just have to keep learning how to cope with that.
Do what’s best for you – whatever you need to do at this moment.
Thank you for this post. It resonated with me so much that it actually brought tears to my eyes.
I understand how difficult it is to maintain weight loss and how hard that transition is from losing to maintaining. I’ve struggled with it for the past year and it’s just becoming more difficult.
Thank you for addressing this on your blog. I can’t wait to keep reading.
This is why I adore you Lara. I love everything about this post. Everything.
You are an inspiration, and I am in awe of you….and also very very proud.
Thanks for being so amazing! Seriously!!!
i know this is kinda late – but thank you so much for being so honest. I feel like I can relate to you on so many levels. I’m really looking forward to reading more – please please please e-mail me if you want to talk?? =)
xoxo,
jasmine
I’m just getting caught up on reading after taking a bit of time away. I can absolutely relate to this. I’m struggling a lot lately myself (which partially explains the time away from the blogosphere). I love the honesty of this post and I think you are spot on.
You are awesome and I really hope you find the balance you are seeking. I’m hoping to find my own as well. It certainly sounds like you have things in the proper perspective. Thanks so much for posting this. It’s always good to know that we are not alone in our struggles, and you are definitely not alone.
Hugs to you, my dear!
I came across this only today- I have sooo much more to catch up on in your blog. So far I am loving your blog- your honesty. And you are absolutely right- anyone ANYONE reading about what someone consumes for b-fast, lunch and dinner has food issues, like it or not. So know that you have 100s if not ?thousands of readers who totally can relate to what you’re going through. I’m included. I don’t feel good when I’m heavier and I admire people who can. That’s just not me. Nor you. Hang in there- you have a huge support system behind you